Favorite Comedy Quotes
Bert Fischer: You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
Max Fischer: Yes, that's true.
Rosemary Cross: How did I hurt your feelings?
Max Fischer: Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play!
Best play ever, man.Mr. Littlejeans
Rosemary Cross: Is this fake blood?
Max Fischer: Yes, it is.
Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.Dirk Calloway
I don't give a shit about the barracudas, fuck it! I'm building it anyway.Max Fischer
[during his play "Heaven and Hell"] Maybe We'll meet again someday... [holds up a peace sign] When the fighting stops.Max Fischer
Max Fischer: Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer.
Rosemary Cross: Hi.
Max Fischer: Hi.
Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.Max Fischer
Jerry Lundegaard: Now we had a deal. A deal's a deal.
Carl Showalter: Is it, Jerry? Why don't you ask those three poor souls in Brainerd if a deal's a deal. Go ahead, ask 'em!
Jerry Lundegaard: The heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: [mocking] "The heckya mean?"
Carl Showalter: Alright Jerry, you got the phone to yourself?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, yeah.
Carl Showalter: You know who this is?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, yeah, I got an idea. How's that Sierra working out for ya?
Carl Showalter: Circumstances have changed, Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, what do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: Thing have changed, circumstances Jerry, beyond the uh acts of god.
Jerry Lundegaard: How's Jean?
Carl Showalter: Who's Jean?
Jerry Lundegaard: My wife! What the?
Carl Showalter: Oh she's alright, but there's a few people in Brainerd who aren't so ok I'll tell you that.
Jerry Lundegaard: What the heck are ya talking about? Let's just finish this deal up here.
Carl Showalter: Blood has been Jerry.
Jerry Lundegaard: What the heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter: Three people, in Brainerd.
Jerry Lundegaard: Oh jeez.
Carl Showalter: That's right we need more money.
Jerry Lundegaard: What the heck are ya talking about? What do you fellas have yourself mixed up in?
Carl Showalter: We need more money...
Jerry Lundegaard: [interrupting] This was supposed to be a no rough stuff type deal!
Carl Showalter: [angry] DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME JERRY, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Jerry Lundegaard: Well I'm sorry but I just- I don't
Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna debate you Jerry! I'm not gonna debate! We now want the entire 80,00!
Jerry Lundegaard: Oh for christ's sake here!
Jerry Lundegaard: I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl Showalter: You're Jerry Lundegaard?
Jerry Lundegaard: Ya. Shep Proudfoot said...
Carl Showalter: Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man?
Jerry Lundegaard: Shep said 8:30.
Carl Showalter: We've been sitting here an hour. He's peed three times already.
Jerry Lundegaard: I'm sure sorry. Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess.