Favorite Comedy Quotes
Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you!Juno
Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.Beetlejuice
I'm the ghost with the most, babe.Beetlejuice
Ah, ah, ah! Nobody says the "B" word!Beetlejuice
I don't see anything about heaven or hell. This book reads like stereo instructions.Adam
And look at that kitchen. You're finally going to be able to cook a decent meal.Charles
Charles: What do you think honey?
Lydia: Delia hates it. I could live here.
Because if I tell you [my name], you tell your friends... your friends are calling me on the horn all the time, And I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a hell. Okay? A living hell.Beetlejuice
[raises hand straight up in air and jumps around] When I got accepted here, it was the first time my parents ever said they were proud of me!Abernathy
[everyone claps, whistles and cheers]
Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.
Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin A'!