Favorite Comedy Quotes
Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!
Rosenberg: Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Father Brian Finn: I keep thinking about what you said in seminary, that the life of a priest is hard and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else you should do that.
Father Havel: That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you're starting out because it makes you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again.
[upon first seeing Cristina] Flor! Look at this child! You could make a fortune doing surrogate pregnancy!Deborah Clasky
I like the smell of my hair treatment; the pleasing odor is half the point.Ulysses Everett McGill
Morgan Philip: Remember not to put too much makeup or the boys may get the wrong idea. They are only after one thing.
Giselle: What's that?
Morgan Philip: I don't know. They won't tell me.
Penny Pingleton: I'm just a little nervous.
Tammy: This is show business young lady. If you're nervous now, Hah. Wait 'til you're on the air.
Detective Krevoy: So you admit it?
Ted: Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games with you. I could give you a song and dance but what's the point? I did it and we all know it. The hitcher himself told me it's illegal. The irony.
Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted: Jeez, I didn't catch it.
Detective Stabler: So he was a stranger? It was totally random?
Ted: He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much trouble am I in?
Detective Stabler: First tell us why you did it.
Ted: Why I did it? I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was doing the guy a favor.
Detective Krevoy: This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted? How many we talking?
Ted: Hitchhikers? I don't know - 50... 100 maybe - Who keeps track? Hey, I know this is the Bible Belt, but where I come from this is not that big a deal.
Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!
Tibby: Are you sure it was a real one?
Brian McBrian: Yes, I'm sure! My uncle gave it to me for graduation, I was saving it.
Tibby: For two years?!
Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.
Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.
Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
Annie: What? What's that face?
George: It's nothing.
Annie: Oh, this is going cost you more money.
George: No. It's just... I know I'll remember this moment, for the rest of my life.
Roy: Look at you!
Chon Wang: Look at you!
Roy: What brings you to New York?
Chon Wang: My share of the gold.
Roy: Refresh my memory. What gold are we talking about?
All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.Trent