Favorite Comedy Quotes
If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't.Ray
Jimmy: I see you got fat!
Chazz: I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!Homer Simpson
Thorny: [after pulling car over] Do you know how fast you were going back there?
College Kid 1: Umm... 65?
College Kid 1: But... isn't the speed limit 65?
Thorny: Yeah. It is.
College Kid 2: [stoned] I'm freakin' out, man!
I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"Andy Stitzer
Woman on plane: I had a dream last night. That we went down.
Annie: Oh God.
Woman on plane: You were in it.
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.
Don't push me 'cause I am close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my headBaby Seymour
Hey baby, check out the gun show going on over here. BOOM BOOM! Firepower!The Thinker
Rick Vaughn: What's that shit on your chest?
Eddie Harris: Crisco? Bardol? Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeÃ±o up my nose, get it running, and if I need to load the ball up I just... wipe my nose.
Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact tall is large and grande is spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's italian. Congratulations you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really says who: Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?
I just went from six to midnight.Matthew