Favorite Comedy Quotes
Jim's Dad: And who might you be?
Stifler's Mom: I'm Stifler's mom.
Jim's Dad: Oh! I'm Jim's dad...
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry Burns: I was being nice.
Peyton Kelly: My mom says that she fell in love with you because you played guitar and you sounded like Elvis.
Joe Kingman: Really?
Joe Kingman: Well what do you think?
Peyton Kelly: I think my mom was tone deaf and you sound more like an injured moose.
Randal Graves: You swung at me!
Dante Hicks: You ducked.
Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!
Allison Reynolds: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape, since I paid him.
Claire Standish: He's an adult.
Allison Reynolds: Yeah, he's married too.
Claire Standish: Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison Reynolds: Well, the first few times...
Claire Standish: The first few times? You mean you did it more than once?
Allison Reynolds: Sure.
Claire Standish: Are you crazy?
Brian Johnson: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Jackie: Lula, a snack?
Lula: You always complainin'. It's hot. I'm hungry.
Gill: All right, gang, we have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank will get plenty dirty in that time, but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques.
Gill: No cleaning.
Jacques: I shall resist.
Gill: Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy the dentist will HAVE to clean it.
Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda: That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.Bernard Jaffe
Crash Davis: Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the fucking bull! Guy gets a free steak!
Now you get up there and work that pole like a Russian immigrant.Claire Foster
Kumar: Man, I blew it. I blew it, man.
Anthony: Kumar, what were you doing in the freezer?
Kumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.
Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?