Heywood: You really knocked the crap out of that one.
Willie Mays Hayes: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this. [shows Heywood his black gloves] I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.
Heywood: My ass.

Diego: Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego: Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!

I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.

Columbus

[shouting, smashing car with golf club] This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Walter Sobchak

Hell to the no!

Rasputia

Nigel: [quietly] Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth... if you want to live.
Marlin: Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live?
Seagulls: Mine?
Nigel: Because I can take you to your son.
Marlin: Yeah, right.
Nigel: No, I know your son. He's orange and has a gimpy fin on one side.
Marlin: That's Nemo!

Rocco Dillon: Any last words before I throw you off?
Jane Spencer: Yes. Don't do it.

Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.

Richard

Years ago I wrote this short story about my Mother called "The Castrating Zionist"

Isaac Davis

Frank: So who do you hang around with?
Dwayne: [shakes head]
Frank: No one?
Dwayne: [writes "I Hate Everyone"]
Frank: What about your family?
Dwayne: [underlines "Everyone"]

Farva: Gimme a pie... apple.
Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to hold the spit? Hah, just kidding officer Farva.
[pause]
Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to dimpa-size your meal for 25 cents?
Farva: Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?
Dimpus Burger Guy: It's only 25 cents, and look how much more you get.

Andy Sachs: [seeing Nigel with a black gown] I love that! Will that fit me?
Nigel: A little Crisco and some fishing wire and we'll be in business.

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