Favorite Comedy Quotes
Eli: Dude, don't mess this up.
Matthew: Mess what up?
Eli: Matt, she's a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast!
Matthew: Eli, I like this girl.
Eli: And you can still like her with your penis inside her.
"Who dat?!"Sleeping Beauty
Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.Cady
Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges!Judith
Stacey Pilgrim: Next time, we don't date the girl with eleven evil ex-boyfriends.
Scott Pilgrim: Seven.
Stacey Pilgrim: Well, that's not that bad.
Mr. Willerstein: Dr. Krunklehorn, I know you're very busy at Inventco Labs. And we're just so happy to have you as a judge.
Lucille Krunklehorn: It's my pleasure, Mr. Willerstein. Hey, you never know, one of your students may invent the next integrated circuit, or microprocessor, or integrated circuit. Oh wait, I said that already. Well, I just don't get out of the lab very much. Is that a bowtie? I like bowties. I haven't slept in eight days!
Mr. Willerstein: Uh, well then, can I get you a cot or something?
Lucille Krunklehorn: Nope, I have the caffeine patch. It's my invention. Each patch is the equivalent of 12 cups of coffee. You can stay up for days with no side effects. Ahhh! Sorry.
[about to ride cheetah] This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.Harold
Jeremy Grey: [in response to the outfit he's wearing] I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset.
John Beckwith: Yes. But I think you look good.
Jeremy Grey: You know I don't look good.
Sandy Lyle: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
Reuben Feffer: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
Sandy Lyle: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
Reuben Feffer: I don't know what that means.
Sandy Lyle: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
Reuben Feffer: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.
Mrs. Fox: You know, you really are... fantastic.
Mr. Fox: I try.
I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!Thurgood Jenkins
I gotta wonder what a bastard I have been. That nobody was there to claim me. I mean I am not the most charming guy on the world so I've been told... but... nobody?Hancock