Favorite Comedy Quotes
Arnold: A winner is someone who doesn't knock me off my surfboard. Especially Tank, he's definitely not a winner.
Smudge: He's a dirty trash can full of poop.
Nurse: Have you ever levitated a nurse before?
Uncle Hendrick: Yes, but that's a very long story.
Bart: [Jim is trying to sit up from dangling on the ceiling] Need any help?
Jim: Oh, all I can get.
Isaac Davis: Has anybody read that Nazis are gonna march in New Jersey? Y'know, I read this in the newspaper. We should go down there, get some guys together, y'know, get some bricks and baseball bats and really explain things to them.
Party Guest: There is this devastating satirical piece on that on the Op Ed page of the Times, it is devastating.
Isaac Davis: Well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point.
Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.Ted
"I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork."Lou
Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on the sidewalk.
Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.
Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know.
Dr. Evil: How 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard?
Amanda Beckett: Hi, umm... Do you happen to know who Preston Myers is?
Earth Girl: D'uh. He only sat like, right next to you in freshman English. But I guess you wouldn't remember that. I mean, why would Amanda Beckett pay any attention to a unique spirit like Preston, or even a unique spirit like me? Maybe it's because she's a little busy ordering around her little conformist flock of sheep. SHEEP! You are all sheep! Baaaaah!
Harry: Well, really, the way I see it it's all your fucking fault now isn't it? You try to rob someone with blanks in your gun and he gets the jump on you, takes your gun away and shoots the blanks in your face blinding you, so he had to get pretty close to do that. It's your own fault for being such a big gay fairy now isn't it?
Eirik: I thought you wanted to kill him.
Harry: I do. But that still doesn't mitigate the fact that youâ€™re a fucking pansy, now, does it?
[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.Columbus
Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!