Favorite Comedy Quotes
[written on piece of paper showing it to Frank] Welcome to hell.Dwayne
Gill: All right, gang, we have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank will get plenty dirty in that time, but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques.
Gill: No cleaning.
Jacques: I shall resist.
Gill: Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy the dentist will HAVE to clean it.
Raoul Duke: We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like: I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive.
Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.
Natalie: Shelley knows how to meet guys, hence, we will learn how to meet guys.
Shelley: Yeah, hence!
[Inside the whale] I have to get out of here! I have to find my son! I have to tell him how old sea turtles are!Marlin
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: 1991 called, they want their teenage angst back.
Amelia: No, they just called again they want that joke back.
Amanda Beckett: Hi, umm... Do you happen to know who Preston Myers is?
Earth Girl: D'uh. He only sat like, right next to you in freshman English. But I guess you wouldn't remember that. I mean, why would Amanda Beckett pay any attention to a unique spirit like Preston, or even a unique spirit like me? Maybe it's because she's a little busy ordering around her little conformist flock of sheep. SHEEP! You are all sheep! Baaaaah!
Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.Jason
Thanks for the free money, Bitch.Jay
Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for $200, which she won. I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny Gambini: Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you?
J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?
Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.