I wish monkeys could skype.

Alan

Love is not a feeling, Mr. Burns. It's an ability.

Marty Barasco

MacGruber: "Don't worry we got your back. We're only 7 blocks away. So if anything goes down..."
Vicki St. Elmo: "7 blocks?"
MacGruber: "Okay, you got me. About 20 blocks."
Vicki St. Elmo: "Wasn't there anything closer?"
MacGruber: "Nope."
Lt. Dixon Piper: "There were tons of spots closer."
MacGruber: "Yeah, with meters!"

Alvin: [during a chase] They'll never take us alive!
Simon: [in the cat carrier] They just did take us alive, Alvin!

Nigel: [quietly] Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth... if you want to live.
Marlin: Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live?
Seagulls: Mine?
Nigel: Because I can take you to your son.
Marlin: Yeah, right.
Nigel: No, I know your son. He's orange and has a gimpy fin on one side.
Marlin: That's Nemo!

Rocco Dillon: Any last words before I throw you off?
Jane Spencer: Yes. Don't do it.

Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.

Richard

Years ago I wrote this short story about my Mother called "The Castrating Zionist"

Isaac Davis

I swear to God, her name is Sauvingon Blanc. Show her your Chevron card.

Ted

Marlin: Where's my son? Where's Nemo?
Bloat: [frantically] Dentist! Dentist!
Marlin: What's a dentist? What is that?

You will have long blonde hair, big green eyes, world class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.

Valentine McKee

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Where can I find Van Wilder?
Wasted Guy: In the Guinness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... under "Raddest Fucking Dude Alive"!
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ok. Thanks.
Wasted Guy: In any one of these three rooms, Gramps.

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