Favorite Comedy Quotes
Crash Davis: Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the fucking bull! Guy gets a free steak!
Can you please find somebody else to be creepy with?Jane
When she tells you to cock her, you cock her!Doc
[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.Columbus
I'm not listening to you. Youâ€™re crazy.Nacho
Miranda Hobbes: The only two choices for women; witch and sexy kitten.
Carrie Bradshaw: Oh you just said a mouthful there sister.
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!
Jake: You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
Elwood: What was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you.
Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: Wasn't lies, it was just... bullshit.
I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!Thurgood Jenkins
Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
[Kristofferson comes to Ash's defense after seeing Beaver's son forcing him to eat mud]
Kristofferson: Don't do that.
Beaver's Son: [Looking at Kristofferson's feet] Why'd you take your shoes off?
Kristofferson: So I don't break your nose when I kick it.