I am very proud to be an American. I am America's number one douche.

General Aladeen

Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. Country AND western!

[to the Dude] Keep your ugly fuckin' goldbrickin' ass out of my beach community.

Malibu Police Chief

Patrick: I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing out that window, I tell you. So, how did you keep him distracted?
Kat Stratford: Oh, I dazzled him with my... wits.

Diego: Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego: Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!

Emily: One time an assistant left the desk, because she, I don't know, sliced her hand open with a letter opener. Miranda missed Lagerfeld who had boarded a seventeen hour flight to Australia. She now works at TV Guide.
Andy Sachs: Man the desk at all times. Got it.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my Mother called "The Castrating Zionist"

Isaac Davis

No you're not hardcore! Unless you live hardcore! And the legend of the rent was way hardcore!

Dewey Finn

Willie Mays Hayes: What the hell league you been playing in?
Rick Vaughn: California Penal...
Willie Mays Hayes: Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?
Rick Vaughn: Stole a car.

Dory: I saw a boat.
Marlin: You did?
Dory: Yeah, it went by not too long ago. Follow me.

Go and hide out somewhere. San Diego, Tahiti, Utah. No! Not Utah. Utah sucks.

Matt Saunders

Jeffy just doesn't know what's happening to his body...

Steve Barker

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