Favorite Comedy Quotes
Jack Byrnes: Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?
Greg Focker: Pam? Are you kidding... yes, yes Jack, there's never been a problem with that.
Jack Byrnes: Even after her body has endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?
Greg Focker: Yes, even after that, it's all good, it's all good under the hood.
Jack Byrnes: That's disgusting.
Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.Ferris Bueller
[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.Columbus
Well, that's my spiel, as the Jews say.Elizabeth Halsey
Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper!
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.
Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sew, very old one! Sew like the wind!Ned Nederlander
Rabbit: See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their products. Like a brand name.
Farva: See? Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?
Captain O'Hagan: Shut up, Farva.
Captain O'Hagan: Did that bag you pulled off these college kids have that sticker?
Rabbit: Uummm... [looks at a bag he hid in his pocket] I don't believe it did.
Evan: Fogell, I don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes with those cops.
Fogell: Because I fuckin' rule?
Rickey: What kinda name is LeeJohn anyway?
LeeJohn: My mom had two boyfriends, Lee and John. She didn't know who my daddy was, so she named me LeeJohn.
Rickey: [after a pause] I dunno if I would have shared that.
Frank: So who do you hang around with?
Dwayne: [shakes head]
Frank: No one?
Dwayne: [writes "I Hate Everyone"]
Frank: What about your family?
Dwayne: [underlines "Everyone"]
Peyton Kelly: My mom says that she fell in love with you because you played guitar and you sounded like Elvis.
Joe Kingman: Really?
Joe Kingman: Well what do you think?
Peyton Kelly: I think my mom was tone deaf and you sound more like an injured moose.