John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.

Don't feed the ducks... don't do it!


John: You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?

There is no such thing as a perfect man.


Motormouth Maybelle: Oh Papa Tooney. We've got a Looney.
Prudence Pingleton: Don't you try to cast one of your voodoo spells on me, native woman.

Andrew Clark: You don't have any goals.
John Bender: Oh but I do.
Andrew Clark: Yeah?
John Bender: I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need, is a lobotomy and some tights.
Brian Johnson: You wear tights?
Andrew Clark: No I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.
Brian Johnson: Tights.
Andrew Clark: Shut up.

Frank: So who do you hang around with?
Dwayne: [shakes head]
Frank: No one?
Dwayne: [writes "I Hate Everyone"]
Frank: What about your family?
Dwayne: [underlines "Everyone"]

Peyton Kelly: My mom says that she fell in love with you because you played guitar and you sounded like Elvis.
Joe Kingman: Really?
[Elvis voice]
Joe Kingman: Well what do you think?
Peyton Kelly: I think my mom was tone deaf and you sound more like an injured moose.

Prince Edward: Have you any last words?
Robert: You have got to be kidding me!
Prince Edward: Strange words.

Jeff Megall: [Talking to Nick on the phone, late at night] Gotta go. London. It's 7 AM in the Old Empire.
Nick Naylor: When do you sleep?
Jeff Megall: [pause] Sunday.

Schmidt: You guys called the cops to get your Frisbee out of the pond? Is this really a police matter?
Jenko: [goes to hand Frisbee back to the boy, turns around and throws it back in the pond]
Jenko: Get your own (expletive) Frisbee!

Chuck Levine: Would you wear a yarmulke? It would make my mother proud.
Larry Valentine: I'm not wearing a yarmulke. Come on.
Chuck Levine: I'm Jewish. I don't want to piss my mother off.
Larry Valentine: Yeah? Well, I'm Catholic. I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off.

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