Favorite Comedy Quotes
I don't break character until the DVD commentary.Kirk Lazarus
Charlie: Hey Bart, is it me or is the world rising?
Bart: I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it.
[about keeping her virginity] You see how picky I am about my shoes ... and they only go on my feet!Cher
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.Patches O'Houlihan
Cher: "Second notice on an outstanding ticket." I don't remember getting a first notice.
Mel: The TICKET is the first notice.
Marlin: Tell me, Dory, do you see anything?
Dory: Yeah, I see a light.
Marlin: A light?
Dory: Yeah. I see a light.
Marlin: Yeah, I see it too.
Dory: Hey conscience, am I dead?
Marlin: No, no. I see it, too.
Lt. Frank Drebin: You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.
[Ed looks increasingly disgusted as Frank goes on]
Lt. Frank Drebin: You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs...â€
[Ed starts foaming at the mouth... literally]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I just want love, Ed.
Ed Hocken: I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.
Bob Slydell: Okay... Milton Waddams.
Dom Portwood: Who's he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Grrrreat.
Allison Reynolds: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape, since I paid him.
Claire Standish: He's an adult.
Allison Reynolds: Yeah, he's married too.
Claire Standish: Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison Reynolds: Well, the first few times...
Claire Standish: The first few times? You mean you did it more than once?
Allison Reynolds: Sure.
Claire Standish: Are you crazy?
Brian Johnson: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
I don't doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you, and that makes me doubt everything else.Father Brian Finn
Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?