Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Seth: [shrugs] It's a nice lookin' dick.

[talking to Deacon] I know you don't want to go to jail in Mexico because nobody wants to go to jail in Mexico. They put all kinds of burritos in your ass.

Miles Logan

Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife: Hey check out these too. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife: He sure did.

Chancho. When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun.

Nacho

Hitchhiker: Hot damn. I never rode in a convertible before.
Raoul Duke: Is that right? Well... I guess you're about ready, then, aren't you?
Dr. Gonzo: We're your friends. We're not like the others, man, really.
Raoul Duke: No more of that talk or I'll put the fucking leeches on you, understand?
Dr. Gonzo: Heh heh heh...

Dr. Buddy Rydell: [throws a plate of eggs] I SAID OVER EASY! [calmly] Now why did I do that?
Dave Buznik: Because I refused to spoon with you last night?

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

Bobby Boucher

[singing, to the tune of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic"] Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door/ and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried.

Elliot

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!

Brennan Huff

Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it.

I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on roller skates -- it means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.

General Aladeen

Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."

John Winger

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