T.S. Quint: Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.

Hell to the yeah!

Madea

Ringo Starr: I've got a song about an octopus.
John Lennon: 'I've got a song about an octupus'. Why don't you jam it up your ass?

That's C-4, man.

Cody

Valentine McKee: [speaking to Burt over a radio] Burt, it's under the ground! It's an underground monster!
Burt Gummer: God Almighty!

Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

I don't believe in God, I believe in science.

Esqueleto

There is no perfect cookie!

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer

My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals.

Topper Harley

She's fabulous, but she's evil.

Damian

Ned: So what are you doing for dinner?
Phil: Umm... something else.

Rayna Boyanov: My father used to bring people like you here.
Susan Cooper: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?

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