Popular Comedy Quotes
Laurel Pearson: What are you thinking about, sitting there all serious?
Frank Falenczyk: My shortcomings.
Laurel Pearson: Women don't even pay attention to that.
Michael Newman: You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!
Ted: A good magician never reveals his secrets... however, if you invite us over for dinner more often...
Michael Newman: You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!
Sam: Daniel, I have a plan!
Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me.
Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they?
Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
Daniel: That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!
Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever.
Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess!
[after Marcus outruns Fochet at the airport] Now that's how you s'pose to drive. From now on, that's how you drive!Mike Lowrey
Why don't we get you out those wet clothes, and into a dry martini.Barry Badrinath
[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!Homer Simpson
Happy wife, happy life!Mac
Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
[Banging his hands against the elevator wall]
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!
Evelle: Gale? Um, Junior just had a ... an accident.
Gale: What's that, pardner?
Evelle: He had hisself a little ol' accident.
Gale: What do you mean? He looks okay.
Evelle: No. You see, moving though we are, he just went and had hisself a little ol' rest stop.
Gale: [sniffs the air] Well, that's natural.
You know what this is? A wing, and you are under it. All three of you, right there.Drillbit Taylor
Your society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.J.D.