Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aww, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me, I enjoyed it, well who wouldn't?

Lt. Frank Drebin

Mike Erganian: What is the subject of your book? Non fiction?
Miles Raymond: Uh, no. It's... it's a novel. Fiction. Yes. Although there is quite a bit from my own life... so I suppose that, technically some of it is nonfiction.
Mike Erganian: Good I like non fiction. There is so much to know about this world. I think you read something somebody just invented, waste of time.
Miles Raymond: That's an interesting perspective.

Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: Or DWI... anything but this.

Why don't you lay out two lines of your selfishness, which is your blow, draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort!

Gayle Sweeny

What about santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat those too?

Buddy

Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work. A long and glorious tradition.
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.
Inigo Montoya: I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! And you... Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland!

Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.

Cady

I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim

George Stark: You're late!
Albert: For what?
George Stark: Fair enough.

We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!

Jerry

Hedley Lamarr: Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town.
[to camera]
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
[pause]
Hedley Lamarr: ... Why am I asking you?

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