Popular Comedy Quotes
Saul: Wait...what do you mean the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: ... I mean the battery is dead. It ceases to live. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: No no... What do you mean, the battery is dead?
Dale Denton: The battery is fucking dead. I don't know how I can word this to you differently.
Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.Prime Minister
Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Hitch: Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Hitch: Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this...
[he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]
Hitch: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Todd Flanders: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned Flanders: ...and I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.
I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.Captain O'Hagan
I'm a peacock, you've gotta let me FLY!Terry Hoitz
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
Friend: Are you sure Applebee's is the best place to meet hot women?
Rick: You thinking Olive Garden?
Rail Crossing Crowd #2: Your breath smells like alcohol!
Hancock: That's cause I've been drinking bitch!
Thorny: Are you okay?
College Boy 2: Yeah, sure.
Thorny: Yes sir?
College Boy 2: Yes sir.
Thorny: No, did you say "yes sir."?
Rabbit: I think he said "yeah, sure."
College Boy 1: What'd you say man?
College Boy 2: When I said, "yeah, sure", but what... literally what I said was "yeah, sure, sir."
Thorny: So you are okay then?
College Boy 2: Yes sir.
Chuck: Here's my phone number.
Dave Buznik: "You're gonna die, bitch."
Chuck: Oh, sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.