Popular Comedy Quotes
Whoa! Listen to what you're saying. You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?Rabbi Jake Schram
Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.
Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.Igor
WHAT? You went over my helmet?Dark Helmet
Jim McAllister: Dave, I'm just saying this as your friend: What you're doing is really, really wrong... and you've gotta stop. The line you've crossed is... it's immoral... and it's illegal.
Dave Novotny: Jim, come on, I don't need a lecture on ethics.
Jim McAllister: I'm not talking about ethics, I'm talking about morals.
Dave Novotny: What's the difference?
Ben: You can have a lucky day, sure, but you can't have a lucky career. It's a little like math. It's orderly. Win or lose, it's fair. It all adds up. It's, like, not as confusing or as ambiguous as, uh...
Lindsey Meeks: Life?
Ben: Yeah. It's... it's safe.
Everybody steals from everybody, that's Hollywood.Trent
Harry Dunne: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's three hours away. Why can't I check 'em out now?
Claire: You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison Reynolds: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
George: I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That's getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. I know. I've just been through one. Not my own, my daughter's. Annie Banks Mackenzie. That's her married name: Mackenzie. You fathers will understand. You have a little girl. An adorable little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never have imagined. I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine. Then comes the day when she wants to get her ears pierced, and wants you to drop her off a block before the movie theater. From that moment on you're in a constant panic. You worry about her meeting the wrong kind of guy, the kind of guy who only wants one thing, and you know exactly what that one thing is, because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age. Then, you stop worrying about her meeting the wrong guy, and you worry about her meeting the right guy. That's the greatest fear of all, because, then you lose her. It was just six months ago that that happened here. Just six months ago, that the storm broke.
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Claire Standish: Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.
Bender: Poor baby.