Julian Mercer: The woman is really very brilliant, but she cannot hold her liquor.
Erica Barry: I like that about me.
Julian Mercer & Harry Sanborn: Me too.

I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

Thurgood Jenkins

We'll pay for your Viagra but not for your glasses. That way, you get a hard-on but can't see where to put it!

Tom Dobbs

Sergeant Hulka: Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
John Winger: Uncle Hulka?

Jack: [In Elevator] Did you hear that?
Nick Naylor: [pause] No.
Jack: Exactly.

[to Shrek as the ship leaves] Well my friend, you are royally...

Puss in Boots

Droz: Want some advice?
Tom: Well, yeah.
Droz: Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before 11. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?
Tom: Uh, no.
Droz: Someone on your floor will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day.

Try grabbing the pebble from my hand grasshopper.

Phil Weston

[giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!

Patches O'Houlihan

Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.

Jack Byrnes

I can't even get my cat to use the litter box.


Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!

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