Popular Comedy Quotes
Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.Roy Walley
O.K., we'll stop, get pancakes and then we'll get laid, alright?Carl Showalter
Dudley Frank: Im looking foward to the parade this year. I got little tootsi rolls to throw to the kids.
Woody Stevens: Tootsi rolls? You cannot even put on your left blinker without wiping out.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny Gambini: So what else is new?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny Gambini: [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny Gambini: Huh? What did I say?
Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you. "
I don't give a shit about the barracudas, fuck it! I'm building it anyway.Max Fischer
Go ahead, threaten me like you have the American people for so long! You're part of a dying breed, Hapsburg, like people who can name all fifty states! The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!Lt. Frank Drebin
Janey: You never noticed my glasses and my ponytail.
Jake: And don't forget the paint-covered overalls.
Janey: Right... you never noticed those either.
So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.Hitch
Don't say chilling.George Simmons
Mikey, DJ interviewer: How do you think this new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Billy Mack: Oh come on Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap. But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters come Christmas will be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: I think you're referring to "If you really love Christmas..."
Billy Mack: "Come on and let it snow." Ouch.
Pageant Official: What is your daughter doing?
Richard: She's kickin' ass... that's what she's doing.