Popular Comedy Quotes
It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.Maxwell Smart
Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
Nemo: I'm sorry I couldn't stop the...
Gill: No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I was so ready to get out, so ready to taste that ocean, I was willing to put you in harm's way to get there. Nothing should be worth that.
Danny Butterman: [after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, waving a sachet of tomato ketchup] Da daaa!
Nicholas Angel: Danny, this is murder.
Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
Nicholas Angel: We have to do something, Frank's appointed himself as Judge, Jury and Executioner.
Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] He is not Judge Judy and Executioner
Lillian: You remember my cousin Rita. Rita just bought a new house. It is gorgeous.
Rita: I wouldn't know, I only see the kitchen and the laundry room, and the ceiling in my bedroom.
Rita: [after pause] Sometimes the floor.
Lawrence Jamieson: Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
Freddy Benson: No!
Harry Burns: With whom did you have this great sex?
Sally Albright: I'm not going to tell you that.
Harry Burns: Fine, don't tell me.
Sally Albright: Shel Gordon.
Harry Burns: Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.
Sally Albright: I did too.
Harry Burns: No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man... but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.' Doesn't work.
Bart: You are my guest, and I am your host. What is your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum.Tommy Corn
Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...
I can't believe we said no to free beer!Valentine McKee
I'm pooping!Deputy Trudy Wiegel