Popular Comedy Quotes
Rachel: There's one thing that will always make a man talk.
Alexander Scott: Cut my belt?
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: 1991 called, they want their teenage angst back.
Amelia: No, they just called again they want that joke back.
Raleigh: Do you have an alternate?
Raleigh: Are there priests on call?
You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.Juno MacGuff
Alistair Hennessey: Is this my espresso machine? Wh-what is-h-how did you get my espresso machine?
Bill Ubell: Well... uh... we fuckin' stole it, man.
Austin Powers: [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.
Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
Dr. Evil: I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!
[after coming home from asking Cooper for 25,000 dollars] He said we didn't need it but he gave me his book for my collection. He wrote it in three days. Wanna know how? Okay, here it is, " Her hair was the color of your pee after you take a multi vitamin". Stupid asshole and your Don Piper mysteries and your pregnant wife whose baby is gonna have a freakin' six pack cause his mother never eats!Alex Rose
Alex Rose: I can't work here. I've been trying. It's impossible. I've written three pages in the last six weeks. Three pages! The book is due on Wednesday. If we don't hand in the book I don't know what we're gonna do. We can't pay for anything. We can't pay for the runners, for the stools. We can't pay for the tanned jello bowl that you like. We can't pay for your little happy mug vase thing.
Nancy Kendricks: Well, what if you got out of the house for a little while and went to write at, like a Starbucks or something?
Alex Rose: And what? You're gonna stay here and try to find work while she has you running around doing things for her? Doing all the little errands, all the little chores that she asks you to do? I don't think you could take it. I love you, but honestly, I've been there and I don't think you could take it.
Nancy Kendricks: I can take it. I'll be fine.
Dr. Allan Pearl: I feel a bree... a... you're blowing in my ear.
Corky St. Clair: Okay, all right, but you see you jumped... to a conclusion!
Dr. Pearl: Oh!
Corky St. Clair: See, what I'm asking for is... your first feeling... was not that I was blowing on you. It was more like... Virgin Isles, or... Bahamanian...
Dr. Pearl: Oh...
Corky St. Clair: Or... Arubian...
Walter Stratford: This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me?
Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"?
Walter Stratford: Close, but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father".
Bianca: She did not.
Walter Stratford: Well, that's what should would have said if she wasn't so doped up!
Pintel: You know you can't read.
Ragetti: It's the Bible, you get credit for trying.
Jimmy: THAT was disgusting.
Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.