Popular Comedy Quotes
Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.
Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?
Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.
Cindy Kim: Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
Hippie Student: Yeah, only when I open my eyes though.
Nathaniel Banks: "I was in bed. I didn't fire any gun. I swear."
Officer Palumbo: "Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!"
Tarik: "What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here."
Officer Martone: "He's trying to break free! Get him!"
What's the matter, Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?Nicholas Angel
[proceeds to leap over a series of backyard fences]
Nicholas Angel: [turning around to face a group of school children] Are there any questions?
Danny Butterman: [sitting at the back of a group of school children] Is it true that there's a point on a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?
Bring the noise!Danny Butterman
Danny Butterman: [after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, waving a sachet of tomato ketchup] Da daaa!
Nicholas Angel: Danny, this is murder.
Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
Nicholas Angel: We have to do something, Frank's appointed himself as Judge, Jury and Executioner.
Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] He is not Judge Judy and Executioner
Jesus ChrisReverend Philip Shooter
Danny Butterman: What do you think?
Nicholas Angel: Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no holds barred, adrenaline fueled thrill ride. But, there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Danny Butterman: That is nothing man, this is about to go off!
DS Andy Wainwright: You do know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city.
DS Andy Cartwright: Everyone and their mums is packin' round here!
Nicholas Angel: Like who?
DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers.
Nicholas Angel: Who else?
DS Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
The Dude: Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
The Dude: Johnson?