Popular Comedy Quotes
Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.Ben Stone
Carol: You're a regular J.D.
John Milner: File that under uh, C.S. over there.
[hands her the ticket Holstein just issued him]
Carol: C.S.? What's that stand for?
John Milner: Chicken shit - that's what it is.
[puts the ticket in the glove compartment which is full of similar tickets]
My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard.Max Fischer
Julianne Potter: It is the duty of the best man to dance with the maid of honor.
Michael O'Neill: Dance? You can't dance. When did you learn how to dance?
Julianne Potter: I've got moves you've never seen.
Roy O'Bannon: [to Chon] If people start looking at you funny then just say, "Howdy, partner."
Chon Wang: ...Howdy... partner?
Roy O'Bannon: Say it a little faster than that or people'll think you're slow in the head.
Phil: So, did you sleep okay without me? You tossed and turned, didn't you?
Rita: You're incredible.
Phil: Who told you?
Clark: We're from out of town.
Man Giving Directions: No shit.
Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
Jay: What? Since when?
Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Westley: Why can't I move? Why am I up against this wall?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day!
Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Neil Patrick Harris: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.
Neil Patrick Harris: Lapdance...
Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions.
Neil Patrick Harris: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause]
Neil Patrick Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...
Kumar: Look, chill.
Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car]
Harold: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
Elwood: We'll be all right if we can just get back on the expressway.
Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me, pal.
Elwood: Don't yell at me.
Jake: Well whadda you want me to do, Motorhead?
Elwood: Why da ya gotta be so negative all the time? Why can't ya offer some... constructive criticism?
Jake: You got us into to this parking lot, pal, so YOU get us out.
Elwood: You want outta this parking lot?... O.K.
What are you, people? On dope?Mr. Hand