Popular Comedy Quotes
[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S. Quint: What's he doing?
Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off.
Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Shannon Hamilton: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon Hamilton beats up Brodie]
Shannon Hamilton: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon Hamilton: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S. Quint: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
[singing, narrating] His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo... But there's something about Mary that they don't know.... Mary, there's just something about Mary.Jonathan
T.S. Quint: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!
Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do?
Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
[to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this other fuck outta the fuckin' picture!Pat Healy
Have you seen my baseball?Warren
Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: Um ... I don't know ... both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and beans! Franks and beans!
Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.