Board Member 1: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member 2: This guy here is dead.
Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.

Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat

Frank

Happy Gilmore: You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?
Bob Barker: I don't want a PIECE of you, I want the whole THING!

Frank: Interesting... Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young. I needed the work.

Jake Taylor: Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?
Rexman: [pops up]
Jake Taylor: Uh-oh, Rexie, I don't think this one's got the distance.

[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing: I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face.

Charlie Donovan: Vaughn's been looking good out there today.
Rachel Phelps: Don't worry, he'll blow it.

Jake Taylor: That's my wife...
Willie Mays Hayes: Does she know that?
Jake Taylor: Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... who's that guy she's with?
Willie Mays Hayes: I don't know. He's not wearing a nametag.
Rick Vaughn: Want me to drag him outta here, kick the sh!t out of him?

Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?

Nurse #2

Rachel Phelps: I think he'll fit right in with our team concept.
Charlie Donovan: That reminds me, I was going to ask you. What exactly is our team concept?

Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.

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