Popular Comedy Quotes
Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
[Banging his hands against the elevator wall]
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!
Cameron: We are screwed.
Michael: Hey, no, hey. I don't wanna hear that defeatist attitude... I wanna hear you upbeat!
Cameron: [more upbeat] We are screwed!
Michael: There ya go.
Ham: Excuse me. Could any of you ladies tell us where we can find the Al of Al's Toy Barn?
Tour guide Barbie: I can. I'm Tour Guide Barbie. Please keep your arms in the car at all times, and no flash photogtaphy. Thank you.
Mr. Potato Head: I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud...
Ham: Then make way for the single fellas.
Vic: Hey Deb, How's my soft baby?
Debbie Dunham: Come on, beat it, Vic. I'm not your baby.
Vic: Aw, come on honey. Look, so I never called you back. I've been, you know, busy.
Debbie Dunham: Yeah, three weeks? Besides, it only took me one night to realize if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose.
Vic: Look who's talking. Hey, who's the wimp you're hanging out with now? Einstein?
Debbie Dunham: Tiger happens to be very intelligent, unlike you. I know everything your dirty little mind is thinking - it shows.
Terry Fields: Hey now, buddy, look. The lady obviously doesn't want to have...
Vic: Look, creep. You want a knuckle sandwich?
Terry Fields: Uh, no thanks. I'm waiting for a double Chucky Chuck.
Vic: Then keep your smart-ass mouth shut.
Vic: Hey, I'll call you some night Deb. Some night when I'm hard up.
Debbie Dunham: I won't be home.
Debbie Dunham: [lights a match and throws it at him as he makes an obscene gesture at her]
Debbie Dunham: Get out of here.
Terry Fields: You seem to know a lot of weird guys.
Holy crap on a shit sandwich!Drillbit Taylor
You will not make this putt... jackass!Donald
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.Alvy Singer
Buddy: Do you remember me?
Deb: I do! I didn't recognize you!
Buddy: I know I'm in work clothes!
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you?George Simmons
Rabbi Jake Schram: What's the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner.
Steve Posner: Sexual perversion.
Rabbi Jake Schram: Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel!
Happy Gilmore: You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?
Bob Barker: I don't want a PIECE of you, I want the whole THING!