Popular Comedy Quotes
Carter: This ain't no Democracy.
Lee: Yes it is.
Carter: No it ain't. This is the United States of James Carter. I'm the President, I'm the Emperor, I'm the King. I'm Michael Jackson, you're Tito. I own yo ass.
Waitress: For one?
Carter: No, for two, I'm here for a meeting with Mr. Juntao.
Waitress: I'm sorry I do not know Mr. Juntao.
Carter: Look maybe you don't understand, I'm Mr. Juntao's lawyer, legal advisor, he got into some shit again and he told me to come down here and I'm a very busy man, ain't got time to be down here this late but I'm down here, my wife want me to come home, my baby is shittin' all over the house, he needs diapers, would you please go get Mr. Juntao?
Lee: I like to let people talk who like to talk. It lets me find out how full of shit they are.
Carter: What the hell did you just say?
[to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.Happy Gilmore
Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?Dom
It is not my job to be jumping on and off of buses, I don't do that, I am not Carl Lewis!Carter
Carter: How long this flight?
Lee: Fifteen hours.
Carter: Fifteen hours? What are we gonna do for fifteen hours?
Lee: [Puts on head phones and begins to sing] Huh! War! Uh! Good God "yaw."
Carter: Oh, hell no! Stewardess! Get me another seat!
I'm gonna kick your ass and then I'll take your ass to jail.Carter
Carter: Damn, Chin, this is some greasy shit. You ain't got no better food, like some chicken wings, some baby back ribs, some fries or something?
Chin: Chinese food, no soul food here!
Carter: I didn't say nothin' 'bout no soul food, I said you got some better food. I don't want that greasy shit. How you gonna sell a big box of grease?
Carter: How would we even recognize Juntao, none of us never saw him.
Lee: I have, he killed my partner.
You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.Happy Gilmore
Brandt: Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier, once we get instructions for the money.
The Dude: Why me, man?
Brandt: He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion.
The Dude: He thinks the carpet pissers did this?