Joel Goodson: When it came right down to it, I just wasn't attracted to her.
Miles: That should never stop you.

Joel Goodson: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.
Lana: Go to school, Joel. Learn something.

[about calling Lana] It's what you want. It's what every white boy off the lake wants.

Jackie

College women can smell ignorance... like dog shit.

Joel Goodson

Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Miles

Say "what the fuck" ... If you can't say it, you can't do it.

Miles

Walter Sobchak: He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger...
The Dude: The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose.
Walter Sobchak: Near the In-and-Out Burger...
Donny: Those are good burgers, Walter.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

[in his dream] Please Joel, do what they say, just get off the babysitter.

Joel's Mother

The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

Magda

[after Joel's Princeton interview]
Lana: So, how're we doin'?
Joel Goodson: Looks like University of Illinois!

Happy Gilmore: Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.

[Tossing drug-laced dog treats into Mary's apartment]
Pat Healy: Wait... how many is this?
Norm: Umm... four.
Pat Healy: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?
Norm: I never said that.
Pat Healy: ... eh.

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