Lindsey Meeks: So you don't have a cell phone, a pager, a blackberry nothing? What if some sudden crisis occurs like your father has a heart attack or something?
Ben: My father died two years ago.
Lindsey Meeks: Oh, I'm sorry.
Ben: No, actually I just found out this morning so it's been a rough 24 hours. You know, maybe I should get a cell phone.
Lindsey Meeks: [laughs] You're funny, Ben...

Ben: You forgot my last name, didn't you?
Lindsey Meeks: No, I just... blanked.
Ben: No, I bet when you talk to your friends you call me Ben the School Teacher.

The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

Magda

Reporter: Where do the Sox rank in terms of importance in your life?
Ben: I say the Red Sox... sex... and breathing!

Happy Gilmore: Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.

That's not Yankee dancing - that's Devil Rays dancin'!

Ben

Robin: He's offering Ben $125,000 for his Red Sox tickets.
Sarah: Are you really that rich?
Robin: Yes.
Sarah: Then why don't you dress better?

Lindsey Meeks: You don't see us tangled up in the sheets with the Eiffel Tower in the background. You see the Mariners are coming in, and Pedro's pitching Friday.
Ben: No, on Saturday. Schilling's Friday.

Lindsey Meeks: I'm going to Paris, and I'm taking vous!
Ben: Moi?
Lindsey Meeks: Oui!

Ben: You're gonna get arrested!
Lindsey Meeks: You can't sell your tickets!
Ben: That's why you ran across the whole field? Wait, you've gotta tell me... was it spongy?

[Tossing drug-laced dog treats into Mary's apartment]
Pat Healy: Wait... how many is this?
Norm: Umm... four.
Pat Healy: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?
Norm: I never said that.
Pat Healy: ... eh.

Mary: You've been to Nepal?
Pat Healy: Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.

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