Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Dom

Pete: There are five chairs in this hotel room!
Ben Stone: That's WAY too many chairs for one hotel room!

Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!

Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.

The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

Norbit! Why you run like little bitch?

Mr. Wong

[pretending to sound genuine] Yup, those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Pat Healy

[Rasputia is about to kill Norbit]
Mr. Wong: WHALE HO!
Rasputia: Did somebody just call me a whale?
Mr. Wong: Yeah! And a ho!

If you do anything to make my little sister cry or hurt her or do anything to her, I'm gonna come at you with razor blades and lemon juice.

Big Jack

What about Brett Fav... ruh?

Ted

Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?

Dom

[to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.

Happy Gilmore

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