Popular Comedy Quotes
Miranda: Well, come on Liz, I mean look, I don't know, what's going on with your hair here? It's like a science experiment back there. And I know you own contacts, you know. And you're wearing plastic shoes and, I mean, what's this shirt even made of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See, isn't that a food? You're wearing food!
They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal!Hoover
Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
[making obscene gestures with his hands]
J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!
Wayne: Dude, mime's don't talk.
J.D.: They do when they're off duty.
Jason: I knew I had you the day I met you.
Milly: How could you know something like that?
Jason: Because you were so nervous you laughed like a hyena, in that beautiful polka-dot dress of yours.
Milly: Really? I'll tell you one thing though. You did not have me the moment that we met because I'm not even sure I like the fact that your staff talked about you behind your back at the dessert table. And excuse me but truth be told I didn't like anything that you ordered for me on our first date except the calamari. And ok fine, yes, it was nice to not have to think for a change. But who wants someone that doesn't think? Look! And sometimes you laugh when I cry, and you say "ha" when I make perfect sense. And never ever in my life have I burnt a chocolate suffle until now, and that in and of itself... oh my god. Should have told me I don't feel like myself around you. And I would have decided that. A long time ago if it weren't for my mother. Because who wants someone who laughs like a hyena in a polka dot dress that my mother made me buy.
Jason: I love that dress.
Milly: Take her out.
Boy, I didn't know deers could... could do that, you know?Corky St. Clair
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro, how do you feel about that one?
Pedro: It looks nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.
John Winger: Why'd the chicken cross the road?
Soldiers: To get from the left to the right
John Winger: He stepped out of rank, got hit by a tank
Soldiers: He ain't no chicken no more
What you did was very spiteful, but it was also very brave and very honest and I respect you for doing that. But the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it's peppered with hate. Hateful respect.Aldous Snow
Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
Siegfried: How do I know you're not from CONTROL?
Maxwell Smart: If I were from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were from CONTROL, YOU'D already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.