Oseary Drakoulias: I spoke with Larry Amin, and it's a pass.
Steve Zissou: In other words, you fucked us!
Oseary Drakoulias: Let's not cast stones at one another, my dear.

Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.

Veronica Sawyer

Gwen: Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?
Van Wilder: Carry the two, yes that's correct.

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

Siegfried: How do I know you're not from CONTROL?
Maxwell Smart: If I were from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were from CONTROL, YOU'D already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.
[long pause]
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.


Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.

I'm the first man in the door and the last man to leave.

Mike Lowery

We'll pay for your Viagra but not for your glasses. That way, you get a hard-on but can't see where to put it!

Tom Dobbs

Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
Jay: Saint Shithead.

Ham: Excuse me. Could any of you ladies tell us where we can find the Al of Al's Toy Barn?
Tour guide Barbie: I can. I'm Tour Guide Barbie. Please keep your arms in the car at all times, and no flash photogtaphy. Thank you.
Mr. Potato Head: I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud...
Ham: Then make way for the single fellas.

If I do not have the three of you married before michaelmas, it will not be my fault.

Mrs Jennings

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