Second base... shit.

Jake Taylor

Tom: Stay away from her.
Jake Taylor: Suck my dick.

Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Roger Dorn: Shit, Harris.
Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.

Pedro Cerrano

Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends don't listen to Endless Love in the dark.

I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.

Jake Taylor

You will not make this putt... jackass!

Donald

Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...
Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

Virginia: Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams *did* have a beard.

The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.
The Big Lebowski: Well, aren't you?
The Dude: Well... yeah.

The post-game show is brought to you by... Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.

Harry Doyle

Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.

Harry Doyle

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