Popular Comedy Quotes
Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "PiÃ±ata! PiÃ±ata!" What the hell is a piÃ±ata, anyway?
Stephanie: [to Luke, at the Fire Island beach:] I see the dopeness in everything, and you just see the wackness.
I'm going to murder-ball you!Jonah
Steve Zissou: This bull dyke's got something against us.
Ned Plimpton: I don't think she's a lesbian. She's pregnant.
Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!Ace
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
[as she enters the hospital, about to go into labor] It feels like I'm shitting a knife!Angie Ostrowiski
What's your name, Fruit Head?Grandpa Bud
Richard Hayden: No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... AWESOME!! ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.
Ian Faith: Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
David St. Hubbins: But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.
[reciting] I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.Sharks
I'm in here on my knees, Ed, a free man proposing. Howdy, Kurt.H.I.