Popular Comedy Quotes
Son of a bitch ball. Why can't you go home? Aren't you good enough for your home? ANSWER ME! Suck my white ass ball!Happy Gilmore
Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It was. They're changing their image.
Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.
He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!Ted
Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?
Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.
Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumbass.
I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!Walter Sobchak
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.Derek Zoolander
What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!Mary
Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?
Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.