Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.

Sally Albright

Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?

Mrs. Smails

Treehorn Thug: [holding up bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.

Stop babbling, boy!

Teddy Roosevelt

Cecil: [while Larry is chasing Cecil] These are trained horses, Larry. They won't stop until they hear a specific word.
Larry: Oh, you mean a word like... DAKOTA!

Judge Smails: Do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site.
Judge Smails: Czervik, huh. Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.

Some are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them.

Teddy Roosevelt

Mr. McPhee: Oh, haha - look at me, the comedy night guard. Do you want to get into a battle of humor? Do you?
Larry: Um, no. No I don't want to get into a battle of humor.
Mr. McPhee: That's right, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Big Horn, is there?

Judge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Colored Boy who went to heaven?
Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.

Jedadiah: I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.
[gun clicks empty]
Larry: Yeah. Keep shootin'. Nothing's gonna happen.
Jedadiah: Now you know my shame. Jedadiah's impotent rage. His guns don't fire. Take me away.

Larry: Ah yes, he was our fourth president, right?
Rebecca: Twenty-sixth

Don't you people have jobs?

Judge Smails

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