Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.


I'm gonna kick your ass and then I'll take your ass to jail.


I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.


Jacob: Hey Nick, rip off any pop stars lately?
Nick: Today I recorded an original piece... Okay, it was that Lisa Loeb song.

If that girl's not careful, she's gonna wind up on the business end of my dick.

Jack Ryan

Jay: I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Oh, turban now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a slippy? You wanna slippy?' Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is slowly going out of your mind


Put me in your pocket, Mike.

Tracy Lord

Terrence: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something from this whole experience.
Phillip: I sure have, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck face.
Terrence: [they laugh] Wanna see the northern lights?
[strikes a match, farts, burns up]
Phillip: Ha ha ha. You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart. Ha ha ha.
Terrence: I sure did, Philip!

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Dr. Peter Venkman

Royal: The past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

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