Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?

Mrs. Smails

Treehorn Thug: [holding up bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.

Stop babbling, boy!

Teddy Roosevelt

Cecil: [while Larry is chasing Cecil] These are trained horses, Larry. They won't stop until they hear a specific word.
Larry: Oh, you mean a word like... DAKOTA!

Judge Smails: Do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site.
Judge Smails: Czervik, huh. Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.

Mr. McPhee: Oh, haha - look at me, the comedy night guard. Do you want to get into a battle of humor? Do you?
Larry: Um, no. No I don't want to get into a battle of humor.
Mr. McPhee: That's right, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Big Horn, is there?

Judge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Colored Boy who went to heaven?
Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.

The Dude: These are, uh...
Brandt: Oh, those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak.
The Dude: Different mothers, huh?
Brandt: No.
The Dude: Racially he's pretty cool?
Brandt: [laughs] They're not literally his children. They're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers - inner city children of promise but without the necessary means for a - necessary means for a higher education. So Mr Lebowski is committed to sending all of them to college.

Larry: Ah yes, he was our fourth president, right?
Rebecca: Twenty-sixth

Don't you people have jobs?

Judge Smails

[Showing lighter to cavemen] Hey guys? Quest for fire, over.

Larry

Larry: [speaking to Civil War diorama figures] The North wins. Slavery is bad. But the South has the Allman brothers...
[hesitates]
Larry: ... and... NASCAR.

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