Popular Comedy Quotes
Judge B. Bennet Galloway: Mr. Jackson, six months ago you were caught shoplifting at a Stop 'N Shop, with a box full of Ding Dongs and a six pack of Banana Strawberry Boone's Farm.
LeeJohn: Uh, your honor, it was Goober Grape.
Judge B. Bennet Galloway: When the arresting officer searched you, he found a twenty dollar bill in your pocket. Why didn't you just pay for it?
LeeJohn: Because this dude named Bo-Peep was on my ass about twenty dollars and I...
Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: Or DWI... anything but this.
Jeffy just doesn't know what's happening to his body...Steve Barker
James Van Der Beek: [about Dawson's Creek] You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to third base with her?
James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time..
Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry Burns: What?
Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
Harry Burns: Why not?
Sally Albright: Because of God.
Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.
Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.
Man on train: Don't take that tone with me, young man. I fought the war for your sort.
Ringo: I bet you're sorry you won.
Julie: I can't do this! This is too intense!
Helen: This is marriage!
I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.Rufus T. Firefly
I gotta wonder what a bastard I have been. That nobody was there to claim me. I mean I am not the most charming guy on the world so I've been told... but... nobody?Hancock
Here's the plan. We don't even stop. Ride like hell. Tonight we keep right on going. We'll walk the horses.Earl Bassett
It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.Yale