Popular Comedy Quotes
Al Czervik: [tees off] Fore!
[ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch]
Al Czervik: I should have yelled, "Two!"
Well, Dude, we just don't know.Brandt
Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
Jess: "Baby talk." That's not a saying.
Harry Burns: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.
Sally Albright: Is Harry bringing anybody to the wedding?
Marie: I don't think so.
Sally Albright: Is he seeing anybody?
Marie: He was seeing this anthropologist, but...
Sally Albright: What's she look like?
Marie: Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.
Danny Noonan: I've always wanted to go to college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry Burns: I was being nice.
Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.Harry Burns
Bishop: Why don't you come on down to our new Lutheran center?
Danny Noonan: I've often thought about becoming a priest.
Bishop: Oh, are you a Roman Catholic?
Bishop: Oh, then I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry Burns: What?
Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
Harry Burns: Why not?
Sally Albright: Because of God.
Jess: Emily is terrific.
Harry Burns: Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.Mrs. Smails