Popular Comedy Quotes
Rita: [as Phil kisses Rita repeatedly, discovering that he got past Groundhog Day at long last] Phil, why weren't you like this last night? You just fell asleep.
Phil: It was the end of a VERY long day.
Dr. Gonzo: Hey honkies. You guys wanna buy some heroin? Goddamnit, I'm serious. I want to sell you some pure fucking smack! This is the real stuff! I just got back from Vietnam. Ahahaha... scag! I wanna sell you some pure fucking smack... Pure... fuck...
Man in Car: Goddammit you bastards! Pull over! I'll kill you I'll kill you! Pull over, come on!
Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Santa: Mmm hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Santa: Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.
Dad, I think Crazy Carl is right.Billy Madison
Customer at Quick Stop: Are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante Hicks: Don't get me started.
Herman Blume: Indefinitely. I'm being sued for divorce.
Concierge: Very good sir.
Self-Destruct Voice: This ship will self-destruct in ten, nine, eight, six...
Dark Helmet: Six! What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: I'm just kidding!
[brainstorming] Paul Power... Paul for President... Paul... Promise... Progress... Peanut...Paul Metzler
Mitch: No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.
Bruce: No longer we steal grandfather's porn.
Ox: No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.
Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.Harry Doyle
Officer Slater: Ethnically, was he like uh... uh... African?
Liquor Store Woman: Was he African? He was like you.
Officer Michaels: He's Jewish, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie.
Wilbur: So you eat flies?
Charlotte A. Cavatica: No... no, no. I drink their blood.