This is the LAPD. We're the most hated cops in all the free world. My own mama's ashamed of me. She tells everybody I'm a drug dealer.


[brainstorming] Paul Power... Paul for President... Paul... Promise... Progress... Peanut...

Paul Metzler

Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.

Harry Doyle

Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Buddy: Really?
Santa: Mmm hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Buddy: Oh.
Santa: Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.

Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Mary Jane Potman: My father's a drug dealer.
Thurgood Jenkins: Wow, that must've been the shit.
Mary Jane Potman: It ruined his life.
Thurgood Jenkins: That must've been shitty.

Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.

Steve the Pirate

Herman Blume: Indefinitely. I'm being sued for divorce.
Concierge: Very good sir.

Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women...
Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I am the 7th degree imperial yo-yo master.

It seems like only yesterday I was strafing so many of your homes. Here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson

Mitch: No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.
Bruce: No longer we steal grandfather's porn.
Ox: No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.

Fogell: Well, when I got there it was either this or Muhammad.
Evan: Why would you even pick Muhammad.
Fogell: For your information, Muhammad is the most commonly used name on the planet.
Evan: Fogell, have you ever even met anyone named Muhammad?
Fogell: Have you ever met anyone named McLovin?
Seth: NO! That's why it's a stupid, made-up, fucking fairy tale name!

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