Popular Comedy Quotes
Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.Chip Douglas
They took me off into a separate room; I seen 'em takin' different people off; different ones of us off in separate rooms and put me on a big white table and uh the guy that took me in there - to examine me I guess - he probed me and then I was in there I bet more than three or four hours, in that room, being probed and at one time or another these different ones of 'em came in, four or five or six of 'em at different times, and all of 'em probed me, uh, not all at once, you know, individually. Later on, years later, now, even still, uh, it's a funny thing - it happened on a Sunday and every Sunday about the time I was taken on board that ship I - find I have no feelings in my buttocks.UFO Abductee
Please don't ruin my childhoodJoey Naylor
Where are all the white women at?Gunman at Fair in Final Scene
Ahh! Ahh! I'm innocent! It was Duke! It was Duke!Dr. Gonzo
[inaudible screaming, grunting] Ahh! Ahh! Don't put that thing on me! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
Billy Ray Valentine: You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barrelled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.
Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that shit.
Louis Winthorpe III: Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.
If you ever get tired of going steady with somebody that ain't around, I'm up for grabs.John Milner
It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.Alan Garner
Phil: It's the same things your whole life. "Clean up your room." "Stand up straight." "Pick up your feet." "Take it like a man." "Be nice to your sister." "Don't mix beer and wine, ever." Oh yeah, "Don't drive on the railroad track."
Gus: Eh, Phil. That's one I happen to agree with.
This is the LAPD. We're the most hated cops in all the free world. My own mama's ashamed of me. She tells everybody I'm a drug dealer.Carter
Rita: [as Phil kisses Rita repeatedly, discovering that he got past Groundhog Day at long last] Phil, why weren't you like this last night? You just fell asleep.
Phil: It was the end of a VERY long day.
Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Santa: Mmm hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Santa: Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.