[after seeing Larry slapping Dexter] Dear Lord Larry! Why are you slapping the monkey?

Teddy Roosevelt

Lacey Underall: Who's you decorator? Bennihana?
Ty Webb: No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.
Lacey Underall: You were in the war?
Ty Webb: [limps and pats his butt] No... Homo.

The Dude: Also, my rug was stolen.
Cop: The rug was in the car?
The Dude: No. It was here.
Cop: [eager] Oh, separate incidents.
Maude Lebowski: [on answering machine] Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I'm the one who took your rug.
Cop: Well. I guess we can close the books on that one.

Interviewer: Where did you go to school?
Josh: It was called George Washington.
Interviewer: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?
Josh: Yes. Every morning.

Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.
Paul: That's not a sport.
Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.
Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.
Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
Josh: What about car racing?
Paul: Shut up, Baskin.

I'm made of wax, Larry. What are you made of?

Teddy Roosevelt

Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?
Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.
Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.
Josh: Wow, thanks.

Jedediah: No problemo, Gigantor.
Larry: Um, my names Larry, first of all okay, Jed? See I call you Jed, I don't call you tiny.
Jedediah: What's that supposed to mean?
Larry: Hey teeny, how does that sound?
Jedediah: I... I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.
Larry: Okay, well Gigantor makes me sound like a freak.
Octavius: I don't. I just call you Larry.
Larry: Don't be a kiss-ass.

Lacey Underall: I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty Webb: How do you mean?
Lacey Underall: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

Susan: I want to spend the night with you.
Josh: Do you mean sleep over?
Susan: Well... yeah.
Josh: Well, okay... but I get to be on top.

Josh: Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. God.
Billy: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Josh: HEY!
Billy: You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Dyson was about to rip your head off!
Josh: You don't get it, do you? This is important!
Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?
[Turns to leave]
Billy: And I'm three months older than you are, ASSHOLE!

Jedediah: I don't want to be manhandled!
Larry: No! I will manhandle you Jedadiah! Whats your problem? Why can't you all just get along?
Jedediah: We're men, we fight okay? Thats what we do!
Octavius: Its kinda how we pass the time.

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