You will have long blonde hair, big green eyes, world class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.

Valentine McKee

Did you notice anything weird a minute ago?

Rhonda LeBeck

This valley is just one long smorgasboard.

Valentine McKee

[to the dead Graboid, which he shot several thousand times] Guess you broke into the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya!

Burt Gummer

Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters.

Burt Gummer

Earl Bassett: Dammit, Valentine! You never go for any girl unless she fits that stupid list of yours from top to bottom.
Valentine McKee: Well, sure.
Earl Bassett: Yeah, and it's dumber than my hind end! Like that Bobbie Lynn Dexter.
Valentine McKee: Tammy Lynn Baxter!
Earl Bassett: Doesn't matter. They're all the same: dead weight. "Ooh, I broke a nail!" Ugh! Makes my skin crawl.
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, I'm a victim of circumstance.
Earl Bassett: I thought you called it your pecker.

Step right up and shoot the pasties off the nipples of a ten foot bull dyke! Win a cotton candy goat!

Clown Barker

[to Rhonda] GET OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

Valentine McKee

Earl Bassett: No way those things can outrun these horses!
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, for all you know, they can fly.

Well, there sure as hell ain't nothing to stop us now... everybody we know between here and Bixbe's already dead.

Earl Bassett

Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.
Jovie: I *can* sing, I just choose *not* to sing. Especially in front of other people.
Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.
Buddy: No there's not.

Clerk at Flamingo Hotel: Can I call you a cab?
Police Chief: Sure, and I'll call you a cocksucker!

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