Popular Comedy Quotes
Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse.
Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for?
Burt Gummer: My cannon!
Earl Bassett: Dammit, I'm gonna kick his ass!
Valentine McKee: I'm gonna help you.
Miles Raymond: Did you read the latest draft, by the way?
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Miles Raymond: And?
Jack: It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems... I don't know, more congealed or something.
Miles Raymond: Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?
Jack: Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending.
Miles Raymond: There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same.
Jack: [pause] Well... maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?
Miles Raymond: [sarcastically] Yeah, that must be it!
Earl Bassett: Must be a million of them!
Valentine McKee: Nope, just one!
Woody Stevens: [a large yard is full of a bunch of leaves] Well go home Toby! You make me sick!
Toby: I can't do this many leaves for $10!
Run for it? Running's not a plan! Running's what you do once a plan fails!
Earl Bassett
Dudley Frank: Im looking foward to the parade this year. I got little tootsi rolls to throw to the kids.
Woody Stevens: Tootsi rolls? You cannot even put on your left blinker without wiping out.
Valentine McKee: Good luck, shithead.
Earl Bassett: Don't worry about me, jerkoff.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?
Good morning Mr. Bassett, this is your wake up call. Please move your ass.
Valentine McKee
Michael Newman: Sorry, i'm late , sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot so...
Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo, Drive red Lamborghini.
Michael Newman: Red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.
Miles Raymond: [while tasting wine] It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit. Fuckin' Raid.
Jack: Tastes pretty good to me.
