Popular Comedy Quotes
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.Charlie
Brick Tamland: Your hair looks like wet popcorn.
Chani: I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin.
Cake Decorator: Hey, aren't you that kid from Crocodile Tears?
Sandy Lyle: That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.
Cake Decorator: Man I saw that movie in high school. That bagpipes scene, that was the funniest shit.
Sandy Lyle: Yeah, we had a good time on that picture. You want an autograph?
Cake Decorator: No, thanks. It's good to see you man. I thought you died like fifteen years ago.
Sandy Lyle: No. I'm very much alive, my friend.
Randy: Can I get you something?
Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!
Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG!
Jive Lady: Oh stewardess! I speak jive.
Randy: Oh, good.
Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
Jive Lady: [to the Second Jive Dude] Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!
First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
Jive Lady: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
[wasted] I can't feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!William
Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.
Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.
Scarface: You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!
Thurgood Jenkins: Obviously you missed the whole point of that story.
Friend: Are you sure Applebee's is the best place to meet hot women?
Rick: You thinking Olive Garden?
Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.
Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!Mary's Stepfather