Popular Comedy Quotes
Valentine McKee: STAMPEDE! Stampede, Earl! Get out of the way, get out of the way!
Earl Bassett: You dumb shit. I was in a stampede once. Five hundred head, all hell-bent for the horizon.
Valentine McKee: Now, exactly how many cattle are required for a stampede, Earl? Is it three or more? Is there a minimum to 'pede?
Earl Bassett: I wish they'd stampede up your ass.
Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures. Ah! These *are* gonna be - you know, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room, right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where'd you shoot this, from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue! Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! Ha ha! I love this! That's it!Vincent Gambini
Drake: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
Joey Naylor: Dad, why is the American government the best government?
Nick Naylor: Because of our endless appeals system.
William Shakespeare: His name is Mercutio.
Ned Alleyn: What's the name of the play?
William Shakespeare: Mercutio.
Philip Henslowe: It is?
William Shakespeare: Shh!
Yo, that shit must be good, B. My boy hasn't coughed like that since back in the day yo!Scarface
Shtarker: Too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Siegfried: Yes. What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice.
Amelia Earhart: I just feel as if I've been asleep for along time and now suddenly I'm awake.
Larry Daley: I can explain that.
It's funny. You know, when I was a little kid I always wanted a brother. I told that to mom once and she said, "You have a brother". I said, "Oh, so that's who the asshole in the other bed is".Timothy Fenwick, Jr.
Dale: What are you doing?
Brennan: I'm burying you!
Dale: My dad will wonder where I am.
Arlene Lorenzo: How dare those people treat us like we're stupid teenage girls.
Betsy Jobs: We are stupid teenage girls.
Arlene Lorenzo: No. We're human beings, and we're American citizens. And four score and seven years ago our forefathers... did something.
Stu Price: Oh my God, I can't believe I gave away my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I didn't even know they gave out rings during the Holocaust.