Popular Comedy Quotes
Don't feed the ducks... don't do it!Jenko
After months of speculation, analysts expect an announcement this week that GlobeCom International will acquire Waterman Publishing and its flagship magazine, Sports America. The man at the helm of GlobeCom, billionaire media magnate Teddy K., has been on a spending spree recently, acquiring a food service company, a cable operator, and two telecommunications providers in deals totaling more than $13 billion. And how did one lucky ferret owner come to own the largest dog treat manufacturer on the East Coast?Anchorwoman
Sam: I haven't even lied in like, the past two days.
Andrew Largeman: Is that true?
Raleigh: Are you ever coming home?
Margot: Maybe not.
Raleigh: Well I want to die.
John Clasky: They should name a gender after you.
John Clasky: Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense.
John Clasky: And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything.
John Clasky: And all of that and you're you.
John Clasky: It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous.
John Clasky: So much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.
Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!
It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.Yale
Airline Employee: Aisle or window, smoking or non?
Otto: What was the part in the middle?
Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours nigger.
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty.
I'm not sure I agree with you a hundred percent on your police work, there, Lou.Marge Gunderson
What are you, people? On dope?Mr. Hand