Popular Comedy Quotes
Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.Carol
[reading aloud from Issac's wife's memoir] "He was given to fits of rage, Jewish liberal paranoia, male chauvinism, self-righteous misanthropy, and nihilistic moods of despair. He had complaints about life but never any solutions. He longed to be an artist but balked at the necessary sacrifices. In his most private moments, he spoke of his fear of death, which he elevated to tragic heights when in fact it was mere narcissism."Mary Wilke
Bianca: Can't you just find some blind, deaf retard to take you to the movies so I can have one date?
Kat Stratford: I'm sorry. Looks like you'll just have to miss out on the witty repartee of Joey "eat me" Donner.
Yeah! I'm a chicken!'Baby' Brent
Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?
Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.
Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
Greg Focker: What does it matter?
Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.
General Barnicke: Where have you been soldier?
John Winger: Training, sir.
Soldiers: Training, sir.
General Barnicke: What kind of training?
John Winger: Army training, sir.
Soldiers: Army training, sir.
John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.
Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.Otto
Mike: I'm stoned... so are you!
[looks in the backseat]
Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!
[to Herman] Are you fond of that moustache?Bert Fischer
Celebrities beat cancer all the time. Lance Armstrong, he keeps getting it.Kyle