Popular Comedy Quotes
Pete: Well hell, it ain't square one! Ain't nobody gonna pick up three filthy, unshaved hitch-hikers, and one of them a know-it-all that can't keep his trap shut.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope.
Delmar O'Donnell: Yeah, look at me.
You suck! Jackass!Donald
Danny Noonan: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.
Lewis: Why is your dog wearing glasses?
Grandpa Bud: Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts.
Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.
Tommy Johnson: I had to be up at that there crossroads last midnight, to sell my soul to the devil.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, ain't it a small world, spiritually speaking. Pete and Delmar just been baptized and saved. I guess I'm the only one that remains unaffiliated.
So we're stuck here. That pisses me off.Earl Bassett
Ronnie Barnhardt: Are you all right?
Brandi: Physically yes, but psychologically? No!
[Ronny trying to talk to Geneva]
Ronny: I saw you yesterday with a loser in a dead mill print t-shirt
Geneva: You think I want to go and see Zip.
Ronny: You found a guy in the city named Zip. Zip.
Geneva: The point is
[Ronny cuts her off]
Ronny: Who names their kid Zip. Zip.
Do you think there's a chance your mom won't love you anymore when she sees how badly you're getting beaten right now?Gary
Jesus ChrisReverend Philip Shooter
That bastard isn't gonna get away with this. I mean, what is going on in this country when a scumsucker like that can get away with sandbagging a doctor of journalism?Raoul Duke