Whillenholly: Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Chrissy: Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches.
Missy: And two: because you're a man.
Whillenholly: Only on the outside.

Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?

James Van Der Beek: [about Dawson's Creek] You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to third base with her?
James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time..

I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls!!!

Jay

Holy Fuck! The little stoner was right!

Chrissy

And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?

Jay

Emily: We can't just throw him out in the snow.
Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.

Kimmy's Mother: I insist you stay on for lunch.
Julianne Potter: No, no, no, no, no... Absolutely -...
George Downes: Love to! Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything. Love to!

Sara: So, you kinda like me, huh?
Hitch: No. I love you.

I love this man, and there is no way that I'm gonna give him up to some two-faced, big-haired food critic.

Kimmy Wallace

Albert: Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. I'm going out of my mind. I want to throw myself off every building in New York. I see a cab and I want to dive in front of it because that way I'll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: You will just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. If this is the only way I can stay connected with her then this is who I have to be.

Come here, little one. Poppy wants to see you.

Papa Elf

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